you really dont have to read this
you’ve probably heard that i get anxiety attacks, or i have been recently. honestly, i’m frighten. i’m so scared of feeling like i’m not in control of my own feelings. about two weeks ago, after going to the hospital, i just…haven’t felt like myself. i feel controlled and overpowered. i know it sounds ridiculous that my anxiety is caused by me feeling nauseous or even a slight headache. I don’t like the feeling of being sick. I don’t get sick often and when I do, my family is usually there so I feel fine. This time, my parents are nowhere near. I’m surrounded by strangers and people who don’t really know who i am. i’m just scared. i used to love being alone, i hated it when my family was around. i spent most of my time in my room talking to people on skype, but now i want my family more then ever. My counselor was right about one thing, my family and i would be way closer once i left home. x_x i just didn’t think it’d be like this. i’m pretty close to my family already. my mom and i have a lot of girl to girl talk. my dad and i share the same interests. my sister on the other hand, well she’s a lot like me, but completely different at the same time. i miss them all though. :\ truth is, i’m letting my days fly quick so that i can see my family again. i’ve always consider the option of dropping out of college for one term :\ it sounds bad i know, but i can’t live like this. i can’t live in fear. i’m trying to overcome it i really am. i have natural medicine to make sure that i’m not physically sick and i’m now seeing a counselor to help me mentally. right now i just feel like; i suck.
there’s this other side of me that thinks as positively as possible. and the weird part is that the thing that keeps me positive is when i feel like i’m in the past. x_x its just WEIRD. “feeling” like you’re in the past, that doesn’t make any sense, but i have different feelings when i’m in different places and some of those feelings have been coming back recently. i really like it though. i feel at peace. and now i’m starting to get that feeling back. it might be the fresh air since my roommate just opened the window. i just feel good now. also music has helped me a lot, old music like things i used to listen to when i was at home.
man, both sides have me completely torn. it’s just ONE more term and if i stay i get to see my favorite people in june<3 and possibly have my own place! how exciting is that! mom is trying to support me by trying to move here xD i don’t want my family’s life changing because of the decisions i make. i really just want to grow up and learn how to be on my own. i jumped the gun though, as zachary always says about me, but sometimes it’s worth it. in this case, sometimes i feel it is worth it and other times i rather be home. i really have mixed feelings about this since i love this place so much, but i’m suffering because my family is far away.
the solution looks simple here, but really its really complicated because my parents would have to find a job here and my sister would have to go to a new school. it’s just a giant change. and now i realize that with this giant change, i have to change a lot of the things i do to adapt to this change otherwise i’ll keep suffering.
